A lot of the time I wonder what I deserve. There's always those strong souls who say things like "I deserve a good man","I don't deserve to be treated like this", "I deserve a good life". They know what they deserve, but I don't. I probably don't deserve great treatment or a good man.
I lie a lot, even about insignifigant stuff. I'm quick to judge on occasions. I don't go to church as much as my grandmother would like me to. I yell at my parents, I'm a huge procrastinator, I bet the music I download is illegally done so. I should get exactly what I deserve, which is what? Beats me. But I'm positive I get way more than I ought to have.
So why can't I be more grateful? I should change my faults, then feel worthy of what I have. But old habits die hard. And that's a big problem, I can get away with stuff because I'm a good liar. Which is so shameful. I can openly admit that! I need to change. Oh! There's another problem, change freaks me out! So I lull...I do nothing. Which isn't exactly helpful.
This is the point I can't get past. I've done the realization that I want to change. I'm come to realize I'm afraid of change. So now what? How do I make myself change? Is it even possible for me to stay committed to start telling the truth, or better yet, don't do something that will result in me wanting to lie about? Can I stop judging people, stop procrastinating, stop arguing with my mom and dad?
I want to. I really do. But then comes the fear, if I change myself, will I get what I deserve then? I get more than I deserve now, but what if when I truly deserve great things, I don't get them?
I've asked so many questions in this blog, and the sad thing is, I doubt they'll ever be answered.
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2 comments:
Shelby,
it sounds like your trying to do some self-finding and it all will come to you when your ready. trust me. the answers are in your heart (sorry if it sounds cheesy) but once you sit down and really really think about what you want out of life, it will come to you.
love mel
Shelby,
i may not have answers but i always have advice. Your right it's not easy to change but trust me once you do, even if it's only something little, you'll get what you deserve 100 times over what you do now.
Try this, when one little thing comes up and you can lie to get out of it, take a deep breath and tell the truth, it will feel so much better when you do. Do it again and again and soon telling the truth will become easier then it is now.
It may be easier said then done, but once the truth becomes a habit all that great stuff you talked about will become a reality.
P.S. Don't fear change, change is what makes us better people then when we started.
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