blog.

yeeeeeeesh. I am sick of my insomnia. I can't fall asleep until late late, then I get myself up early in the morn' to see if i will be tired enough at the end of the day to go to sleep like a normal person. I am just tired as tired can be. I feel as if I stayed up 36 hours, then ran a marathon. I don't want to feel like that!

I'm in st. peter, with my sister. She's great. We're bonding and stuff. It's fun!

I love the office. A tonnnnnnnnn. She has all the seasons of the office on DVD. That's what I'll be working on. Sorry, winter break homework. You gotta give me a few days time to relax!

Christmas was fine. I got stuff, like always. I don't actually like presents that much. Well, I do, but what I like better is thinking about the thought, time, and money people spent on me. So even if I'm not thrilled with the present, I'm genuinely thankful for it. Because you tried. That's honorable.

yeah.... bye!

good.

Love a 9-something minute song with pretty lyrics written/performed by a gentle-voiced folksy singer?

The Trapeze Swinger - Iron & Wine


Please, remember me
Happily
By the rosebush laughing
With bruises on my chin
The time when
We counted every black car passing
Your house beneath the hill
And up until
Someone caught us in the kitchen
With maps, a mountain range,
A piggy bank
A vision too removed to mention
But
Please, remember me
Fondly
I heard from someone you're still pretty
And then
They went on to say
That the pearly gates
Had some eloquent graffiti
Like 'We'll meet again'
And 'F**k the man'
And 'Tell my mother not to worry'
And angels with their gray
Handshakes
Were always done in such a hurry
And
Please, remember me
At Halloween
Making fools of all the neighbors
Our faces painted white
By midnight
We'd forgotten one another
And when the morning came
I was ashamed
Only now it seems so silly
That season left the world
And then returned
But now you're lit up by the city
So
Please, remember me
Mistakenly
In the window of the tallest tower call
Then pass us by
But much too high
To see the empty road at happy hour
Gleam and resonate
Just like the gates
Around the holy kingdom
With words like 'Lost and Found'
and 'Don't Look Down'
And 'Someone Save Temptation'
And
Please, remember me
As in the dream
We had as rug-burned babies
Among the fallen trees
And fast asleep
Aside the lions and the ladies
That called you what you like
And even might
Give a gift for your behavior
A fleeting chance to see
A trapezeSwinger high as any savior
But
Please, remember me
My misery
And how it lost me all I wanted
Those dogs that love the rain
And chasing trains
The colored birds above there running
In circles round the well
And where it spells
On the wall behind St. Peter's
So bright on cinder gray
And spray paint'Who the hell can see forever?'
And
Please, remember me
Seldomly
In the car behind the carnival
My hand between your knees
You turn from me
And said 'The trapeze act was wonderful
But never meant to last'
The clowns that passed
Saw me just come up with anger
When it filled with circus dogs
The parking lot
Had an element of danger
So
Please, remember me
Finally
And all my uphill clawing
My dear
But if I make
The pearly gates
Do my best to make a drawing
Of God and Lucifer
A boy and girl
An angel kissin' on a sinner
A monkey and a man
A marching band
All around the frightened trapeze swingers

...

cabin fever, anyone?

snow is painful, preventing. it layers the ground, swirling slightly with the winds. it's beautiful, sure, but it knows how to drive you crazy.

my home is starting to feel like the empty, grand hotel deep in colorado. i'm there, taking care of it during the off-season. but i start seeing things, things that shouldn't be there. i start going, well, INSANE.

yes, my life has taken form of a stephen king novel. i am living the shining. living it, i tell you.

i absolutely can not wait until christmas. christmas, that is the day when i will see people, REAL PEOPLE, otherwise than my parents. i don't care about presents, my family's presence will be enough. see, that was lame. a result of cabin fever, i tell ya, i really do.

it's not enough that i drag out sleep, homework, eating, reading as long as possible, it's not long enough! i'm running out of things to do.





this house is confining. i can't breathe anymore.

woe is me, the melodramatic.

I'm trying to write my book review, I really am. But I'm so easily distracted. But there's really nothing to be distracted by. Except facebook. And the book I'm reading. And food.

But still, I have to write it! I'm just not feeling creative, dang it!

I can't even think of what to blog about.

I'm stuck in my house, by the way. SNOW. With my PARENTS, if it wasn't bad enough yet. My parents aren't really favorable...at all. I'm not going to go into reasons why, just be glad you're not in my situation!

What the HECK am I supposed to do with myself until Christmas! Shovel? No thanks!

ahem.

Attention. I have an announcement for all men. If you have a partial mustache, SHAVE IT NOW. It looks very creepy! It is attractive to NO ONE.

Sorry for the tough love, but for God's sake, no one likes how it looks. I hate that sort of there, sort of not there 'stache. It really is creepy looking.

SO SHAVE IT OFF.

stupid, stupid, stupid.

As some (maybe most) of you die-hard Twilight fans know, Stephenie Meyer was in the process of making a 5th Twilight book. Too bad that someone was enough of an idiot to post it on the Internet...ILLEGALLY. Now she's pissed and won't work on it "indefinitely."

She also went on to tell her fans that she herself posted a rough draft of Midnight Sun on her website, 264 pages of what I find already to be my favorite. It's the viewpoint of Edward. It's incredible. I couldn't stop reading.

She needs to finish this book. It's torture to know she's not even working on it anymore. Stupid! Someone had to ruin this.

If you want to read the draft of Midnight Sun.... www.stepheniemeyer.com/midnightsun.html

Read it if you haven't yet.

protection matters.

Since I've been such a jerk to my parents, I was forced to drive my father to Mankato today so we could "bond and Christmas shop, yay!" Good idea, mom. He kept wandering off, and then yelling at me when I found him. But I did get my mom's present and buy myself the Twilight soundtrack, which is really awesome. My dad bought my mom some shiny bling, and he bought himself some mixed nuts. It was just superb.

We went out for pizza, the name something that I declare unpronounceable. It was delicious. I ate my half and my sister Kelli, who showed up when the words "I'll pay for supper" came out of my father's mouth, chatted about trivial things with us as I read the fourth Twilight.

I tried to drive home, but I was too dang tired to keep my eyes open. My dad wasn't in much better shape. So we cranked the oldies and forced ourselves to sing along. I need rest, but I got a crap-load of things to do. So I apologize for the lamest blog ever, but I am just not in the mood to be creative. Get over it.

Good night, and good luck.

imagine my eyes rolling.

I am dead tired.

Today was cookie day. I don't really care if you don't care to know what cookie day is. I'm explaining it anyway. My mother invites her entire family over to our house to, unsurprisingly, bake and eat cookies all day. We do it every year. I get sick to my stomach every year, but it's almost worth it.

I hate that I look outside at 5:30 and almost think it's 10 at night. It messes with me.

I need the fourth twilight book. And then for a few days, I can stop freaking out. Then I'm going to re-read the series. Or something like that. I hate that I'm addicted, but hey, it's better than being addicted to drugs. Or at least that's what my sister said.

I had no idea I felt this sick. I crawled over to the computer and now I am realizing vomit may be in my future. I'm sorry I told you, but anything that comes to mine, I'm just typing. It's a good way to go about blogging.

I can't believe how cold it is outside. I don't like Minnesota in the winter. It seems there are only two seasons here, summer and winter. Spring and autumn are more like...stages into the seasons.

Robert Pattinson sings beautifully. And Iron & Wine songs are so simple, yet pretty.

Yuck. I need tums or something.

That's not the note I want to leave on... How about I tell you I'm going on a Wal-Mart run for mango bars? Not for me, of course, since I'm full beyond the point of ever feeling empty again, but for my father. Because then, I shall get my twilight book!

Good Luck to me!

high school=not my scene.

I had a short conversation with a couple of wonderful friends after school today. We got to talking about the upsetting behaviors of high school students. Why are the guys such players? Why are the girls so mean? Everyone is shallow, fake, and they think way too highly of themselves.

Also, high school is just getting old. The only class I struggle to understand is math, and I really could care less about it. All of the homework, the daily, pointless tests, on and on the list goes.

I'm deeply considering going post-secondary, as soon as next year. So are they. It seems like a good idea. Get away from the awful people and actually LEARN. Now that sounds like my scene.

It's a decision I'm going to have to struggle to make, I'll have to talk to my dean, my parents, friends. I don't want to go to college so young and alone.

It's a life choice, and I'm really not great at deciding big stuff like this. But I will ponder endlessly, and I'm sure it'll end up so that one sole thing decides my future. Something trivial, like a fortune cookie, or a statement made by my 40-year-old cousin, or I'll fall and wake up with my choice. I don't know. I just don't know.

What I do know? High school is getting old.

my wandering mind.

Yeah. I'm going to complain. And talk about other stuff.

I hate math. My hate of something that is so necessary to know is not a good thing. I hate it so much I've pretty much ruled it out of any career path I will take. I don't care if I'm okay at it, it doesn't make me dislike it any less. In algebra two, we're studying something I have given up trying to understand. I'm upset with myself.

I just read the first twilight book, yesterday. It took me less than 1/5 of a day to read it. And just like every other teenage girl in the word, I'm obsessed. I need to read the other books. I crave to read them NOW. I won't be able to focus again until I have the next book in my hands, which unfortunately, won't be until Monday at the earliest. That's a wasted day. I won't be able to focus on my homework, or anything else. I can't focus now. It's hard.

Well, now that I've talked about Twilight, I can't focus enough to even complain about something else. So...

end of blog.

my life be like... this?

I can't blog. I've nothing to blog about. Well, that's a lie. I started many different blogs, but was stuck after the first paragraph. I didn't know where I was going with them.

Writer's block, anyone? That's rather unfortunate, due to the fact there's a feature paper that I'm trying to finish.

Sunny D tastes incredibly smooth. I mean, it's noticeably smooth. It's almost weird.

I haven't read the Twilight books. But I watched the movie. And fell in love. With. Robert. Pattinson. And the chances of even SEEING him in person are slimmer than an anorexic chick.

I'm sick. Sore throats don't go well with a person who does nothing but talk. I'm not all that enjoyable when I can't talk.

I'm sick of this texting craze. I miss phone calls.

Boy with a coin- Iron&Wine. GREAT song. listen to it. then thank kyle.

3 day week next week... woo thanksgiving.
:\ My father's side of the family = Um. Fun? Not quite.

I visited two very dear friends this weekend up at their college and it just reminded me how much I miss them. You know how you put something out of your mind so you can just go about life without thinking about it, then it pops back and you get a sad, sinking feeling in your stomach that is pretty darn familiar? Yeah.

Well, my fingers are cold. So I'm going to have to go.

untitled

We spend so much of our lives waiting. If you added it all up, it'd be years and years. Just think of your life so far, waiting for summer, waiting for an opportunity, waiting for more, for answers, for something better, for anything worth waiting for. We're always waiting, aren't we?

I don't like it. I just want to live life. The future can always, always, always change. Things happen. Plans change.

That's how it is.

i'm no longer running smooth.

I don't feel well. I haven't felt well for a long time. I haven't been fully awake since only God knows when, I've forgotten what it feels like to not be tired. I'm never fully there when I talk to people. I don't give anything 100% anymore. I have no drive, no new thoughts, no emotions for myself. I don't feel okay. I feel bleak. I'm in a slump.

Every night I get into the shower. I turn the knobs until the water spurting out makes my skin rage red because it's so hot. I then take my bar of soap and scrub my skin raw. I'm trying to rub off the layer of skin that makes me feel like this. The layer of skin I don't like. That layer is made up of all the things I don't like about myself. I scrub especially hard on my shoulders, as if to remove the weight of the world from them.

Sheesh. I don't want to come off as depressed, because I don't think I am. I'll get out of my slump.

I always do.

Hi.

It's never ceases to amaze me how right about this time every year, I feel strange.

Today I found myself singing Christmas songs, and wondering when they'll be on the radio so I'm not belting them out off key. That seems like something a cheery person excited for Christmas. But that's not me. I get so sick of Christmas songs that I flip out at radios, people, singing stuffed animals.

Recently I found myself wishing there was snow on the ground so I could bundle up and build a snowman, or throw a snowball or two at my mom or dad, or other fun stuff like that. That's not like me. There no season I dislike as much as winter. Being cold sucks. I cold right now, and that makes me unhappy.

I find myself wanting winter break to be here, to spend time with my family, buy and wrap presents, watch Elf and other assorted funny/cute Christmas movies. But again, that cannot be me! I'm always and forever agitated by my parents, I suck at picking out presents, I wrap gifts like a 4-year-old, and I've seen those movies a billion times.

I'm not a huge fan of the whole winter-holidays thing. I'm not what you would call cheery. So why do I feel so excited for the whole thing?

Bye.

rants and raves about some stuff.

Hi.


Rant- Dial-Up Internet. Not only did it take 7 minutes to load JUST THIS PAGE, it takes a long time to load any page. And downloading music? 1 song=45 minutes. Homework that involves Internet is a nightmare. My mother and father don't use the computer enough to buy high-speed or anything. Yet when they do use the computer, they get just as, or even more, frustrated with the speed as I do.

Rave- Say Anything. It's a band. If you've never heard of them, or only know them by that one song, you need to fix that. Songs by them that I recommend- Total Revenge, I Want to Know Your Plans, A Walk Through Hell, and pretty much any other song by them. You Will fall in love with Max Bemis's voice, I just know it.

Rant- Starting a fight over anything and everything. I understand your angry about your job, dad, but for the love of God, don't take it out on your family.

Rave- My parents reaction to our house getting toilet papered. They were, get this, EXCITED. They woke me up early so I could see what had happened. They told me they never thought anyone would drive all the way into the boonies to make a mess like those fiends did. They think I'm sooo popular now.

Rant- The fact that I just don't have enough hours in a day. I go to bed at a incredibly reasonable time, and wake up at a reasonable hour. So why do I find myself falling asleep in every single class? I slip into bed and fall asleep terribly fast. I'm not that busy, I mean I go to school like everyone else, but I'm not always doing something after school. I go home and laze around because I'm too tired to do anything. There's something wrong with me.

Rave- I think my motorcycle burn is finally healing. It doesn't ooze so much and there seems to be an actual layer of skin covering it.

I think I'm done, for now.

Blame It On Me.

I did something stupid. And there's no one to blame but myself. That's the funnest kind of mistake, iddn't it?

I burnt myself. In the literal sense of the word. I burnt my leg, to be specific. It was on my father's motorcycle. He left me unattended with it while he went to vote, and I guess even at age 15 I'm not smart enough to stay away from the damn muffler. I just wanted to sit on it. Yet I forgot something very key -- make sure when you swing your leg over, it lands on the foot pedal, not the hell-hot muffler. So my leg is burnt.

And then I made another massive mistake. I put a band-aid over it, but it turns out (of course), the band-aid isn't big enough. And then I must take it off, and that's when it rips some of the burnt skin right off of my leg. NASTY.

Ready for my next mistake? I hop in the shower. I can't remember the last time I've been in that much pain.

Next mistake? I cover it with a wrap. Why's that bad? The wrap stuck the areas where I no longer had skin!

Well, I finally told my mom and dad. (Yes, I didn't tell them about it until this point, AKA another mistake.) Then we started giving it proper care. We washed it out with peroxide, then gooped on triple antibiotic ointment, and wrapped it gently with a non-stick bandage. I let it air out during the day, and every time I hit it against something, I die a little inside. I have to wear shorts so no fuzzy crap gets caught in it, because that's already happened (woop, another mistake), and it's a pain to get out.

It still oozes and bleeds, but not as much. Luckily, I don't think its infected. It'll leave a pretty sweet scar, hopefully. I should at least get something in return for all this pain.

Holiday Lies.

Why do we lie to our children?

Why do we tell them that a chubby, jolly man sneaks into our house in the middle of the night, putting presents under pine trees? He gets off his sleigh that jingles with bells and is powered by reindeer, wearing a velvet-type suit and sporting a lovely, classy white beard. Cute story, but do we truly need to tell our children that this is the man to get us presents instead of us? Would they really care? Either way they're getting presents!!

And the Easter Bunny? Really? Jesus rose from the dead, so a bunny fills a basket with goodies and hides eggs? I don't get it.

The Tooth Fairy? Oh, my tooth fell out. What do I do? Put it under my pillow, of course. By tomorrow morning a dollar/penny/dime/nickel/quarter takes it place! Dang, that Tooth Fairy, she's good!

Sure, it lets the kids imaginations run wild, but at what expense? When they find out, they're heartbroken. Their own parents lied to them. All of those Christmas carols, Santas at the mall, hidden eggs, disappearing teeth, they were total lies! It doesn't seem right, does it?

Yet still, my future children will be brought up believing in them, just because. That's life.

I did something bad.

But it was fun!

My friend's mom made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She had one too. We ate these extremely peanut buttery sandwiches with vigor. A long day at school definitely can build up one's appetite. We sat in her car, enjoying our feast, when we came to the point where all that was left were the crusts. We had nowhere to put these remnants of our sandwiches, due to the lack of proper disposal containers in our high school parking lot. So, with this problem, we thought of a solution that would benefit those less fortunate than ourselves. Our solution was simple, take the crusts, put back into ziploc bags, and toss out of car window. This would be a cherished meal for the hungry that lurk the parking lot. But, unfortunately, my friend's delicious driving skills ran over our ingenious donation to the hungry! The crusts were squished, along with the hopes of those who wanted to eat them. We were full of sorrow, we had ruined the very thing we had created. We mourned for a moment, and then moved on with our lives. It was a good day.

Ralph Nader

Oh Ralph, you need to be our president. You had the most sensible ideas back in 2004. I was just a wee 6th grader and I realized this. So why do you get less than 2% of votes? Maybe its due to the fact you were an independent candidate. Why don't people vote for those of the independent and/or green party? Because they're not an elephant or a donkey?? Hmph. Well then, you'll just have to get yourself an animal to represent yourself. Why not something a bit less brash than those animals? How about something cute, like a koala bear? Penguin, kitten, baby chick, zebra, giraffe? Then, all those who are suckers to cute stuff will vote for you! You still won't win, but we'd be making headway.

he's black!

Well, I've decided to do one blog about the 2008 election. I'm not going to shove my opinions down your throat. McCain? Obama? You can decide that for yourself. But DO NOT decide who you are voting for president by the color of their skin.

I'm not even talking about those who are racist. I'm talking about those who are quite the opposite of racist. I'm yelling at those who are voting for Obama because he IS black. When those people say they want change, it shouldn't just be the color of the president's skin.

Now, I'm not against Obama. I actually like him. Better than McCain/Palin, that is. But I do not want him elected president because he is black, and I don't want him to not be elected president because he's black. I know that probably doesn't make sense to most of you, but that's fine.

Look at possible presidents for their ideas and views, not their skin color, hmm?

SUPER.

Soooooooooo, I was at church today. That's normal, its Sunday, its October. But right in the middle of the pastor's sermon, I hear...thunder? No. That's not thunder, its a BLIZZARD. Oh. I look out the window, and lo and behold, its...snowing?!?!?! But its only October! That has never stopped mother nature/Minnesota before, but still. I took my grandmother out for lunch today. It's terribly windy. Dangerous idea.

Ohhh, seasons. you always sneak up on me. I feel as if there was no fall, and just yesterday my skin was melting in the sun. Today, I felt the bone deep chill saying "I'm Winter, and I am here!" and also reminding my mind how much I do not like the cold. I'm not skilled enough to do any of the fun winter activities, such as skiing or ice skating. So that leaves me stuck in my home, begging my father to heat out house past the 62 degrees he thinks is warm enough. I huddle under eight blankets and will myself to think of anything but the cold.

As I write this, I see out our large bay window at the snow blowing horizontally, of the white that is accumulating on the ground, and of the warmth leaving my fingers and toes.

But, since my parents think I'm too flipping crabby and all I do is complain, I shall tell you the things winter lets me get away with.

-My diet during the cold months consists of hot chocolate and soup.
-I can wear scarves and gloves in school if I want to, which I do.
-I can put on a couple of pounds and say I'm just trying to stay warm.
-I can take naps all the time, because there's nothing better to do!
-Hot baths. Oh yes.

Well. There you go. Winter seems to be here. Dang. But I'll enjoy what I can and survive on that, waiting for the days where I can see green grass and leaves on trees again.

pro-?

Abortion. Hot subject, I know. "Oh, I'm pro-life." "Ohh, I'm pro-choice." It's always one or the other. Why must it be black or white? There are so very many shades of grey in between.

I've thought about it and thought about it, and I've come up with my thorough opinion on abortions. I am, for the most part, pro-life. I mean, really, babies are people. They don't deserve to die before they get the chance to live outside of a womb. And, yes, they are living when they're inside of a womb. It seems like many who abort brush aside that fact.

But the reason I am not completely pro-life because there are certain situations where abortions should be an option. And I can only think of two circumstances worthy of having the choice.

#1- If the father of the baby is a rapist. Because that is just creepy. And every day, that mother would have to look at her baby and remember the time she was sexually abused. That just is not right on any level.
#2- If the woman could die before, during, or soon after the birth of the child. Self-explanatory.

Any other time, the idea of abortion sounds incredibly selfish. You know why? Because it is. If you are a teenager and it would 'ruin your life' or you're not married yet or if you just don't want a baby right now, TOO BAD.

Adoption. Instead of killing a baby, give it to a family who can't have one of their own. Its so simple! And much more humane.

As for teen pregnancies, I do not think they should be able to get abortions. I'd rather they get help. They deserve the shame. If I was to become pregnant during high school, I'd need to live with the shame. Because that way I'm dealing with my mistake in a more appropriate manner. I'd be more ashamed if I aborted the baby.

I'm not going to tell you to not have sex, I'll just say you better be as freaking safe as possible if and when you do. You absolutely don't want a baby, and don't want any chance of becoming pregnant? Don't have sex. Common sense--I swear, people don't have it anymore.

It is all about the choices you make, so make the right ones. Hopefully you're not killing a life.

P.S. If abortions are ever no longer an option, don't you dare go performing your own abortion. Shame on you.

dance-floor discoveries.

You've probably heard. There was a sweet sixteen party last week, and it was a dance. Dances are fun, right? Loud music, a ton of people. The bodies are grooving to the music. Good stuff, yes?



Maybe not.



I had no idea how much people my age liked to grind. No idea whatsoever. A great song comes on, and then all I see in my panorama is girls and guys dancing as dirtily as they can. It looks like sex with clothes on. It freaked me out. Where did everyone learn to dance like that, and more importantly, why do they WANT to dance like that? To those questions, I have no answers.



Can we take a step back from the whole thing, and blame it on the media for making them dance like that? I don't think we can. You can most certainly choose the way you dance. It is a way to express yourself. And when I see my friends expressing themselves in that way, oh, I did not enjoy it. I only enjoyed making fun of it. Which I did plenty of, because I decided that I should have a good time without feeling like a skank. (Excuse my language, but that's the best word for what I saw.)



"I was just trying to have some fun." Really? You can't think of any way to have fun except to dance unreasonably dirty? Not buying that excuse.



So here's the deal. Grind your pelvis against someone else's all you want, it is not my place to tell you otherwise. But think about what kind of message you are sending out to the recipient(s).

my words. your words.

Words--they're written as combinations of letters and spoken with our voices. There's many ways to use words. You can use them to inform, persuade, entertain, among others. They can flow out of us like a waterfall, and sometime they just don't come out at all.

Words can be powerful. You can express your feelings, taking words straight from the very core of you and splaying them out, hoping someone can relate. Showing your anger through words. That can sometimes be quite hard. Resorting to swearing shows weakness, in my opinion. But if you are truly upset, and your words are full of malice, intense, seeing them scar the person as they surge out of you, that's a ridiculously powerful way to use words.

It's those meaningless words, those filler words, that I don't like. Words to fill the space of silence, no good. Yet nothing could be worse than words spoken that are false. Lies have got to be the one way words are not powerful. Words that are not true, what a waste of breath.

I am a hypocrite. I just complained about how lies are awful, yet in a recent blog I expressed how much I lie. I hate being a hypocrite. Lies are pathetic, hence I am. I'm trying to change, I am. It takes time!But, yes, words are great and powerful. Use them in the correct manner. And most importantly, mean what you say.

fearing the worst.

Marianne Williamson:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I have heard this quote many times. And not once have I agreed with it. I don't fear I'm too powerful, my deepest fear is that I'm just not plain good enough. I don't know if this is supposed to be a motivational quote, I don't care. It doesn't cut it for me. I highly doubt that I'm powerful beyond measure, and even if so, I don't think it'd freak me out that much.


FDR:

"We have nothing to fear but fear itself."

I don't like this one much either. There's puh-lenty to fear! I'm not saying we should be in constant fear, but we need to be aware of dangers. Fear is a part of life, and I challenge you to find one person who is not afraid of anything except fear itself. I doubt you will.


Don Miguel Ruiz:

"Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive -- the risk to be alive and express what we really are."

Now this one I can agree with. Death is something we all must learn to accept. As for life, some do not choose to accept. Which can end in death...you see how that works? All I can say for this is-- live your life.

tears.

I don't cry much. To other people, it doesn't look like I have much to cry about. And in a sense, that is true. I've never lost a loved one, never had my heart broken, haven't gotten in any huge fights with anyone, I'm doing well in school and Cross Country. But in another sense, so very many little things happen to me and they add up so very quickly.

So Thursday, I had a meet in Owatonna. I ran my race and got a pretty decent time and I was not in pain, but as I ran through the finish line, I took in a deep breath and started to cry. Without explanation. Once the tears stopped flowing, I tried telling Annabelle what happened, laughing about my sudden outburst of tears, and as I was laughing, I started to cry again. But it didn't last long as my laughter overruled my crying.

My unexplainable crying got me to thinking...(Which I always seem to be doing, not only do I think but over think) I was crying for a reason. I had to be. I realized that I obviously don't cry when I'm sad. So all of these built-up tears that have never been shed, they burst out whenever they want to. I guess I just cleverly disguised it. And, man, once I start crying, it does not stop until there are no more tears to cry. It was ridiculous.

I was crying because a lot of things that aren't going completely right at this point in my life. And let me tell you, the list seems endless. It's overwhelming. It truly is. But now that I've had a soul-cleansing cry, I'm ready to try to make things go the way I want them to.

So maybe my unexpected fit of tears was exactly what I needed to realize that I'm not happy and I need to change that. Wish me luck.

stupidity :D

It happens to everyone. Don't think it doesn't. We have moments where we are stupid. Obviously, I could be talking about the life-changing foolish things we do, but I'd rather talk about the slip-ups that just make us ashamed of ourselves.

My own examples (I love examples) :

--A lot of dim moments come when the English language gets to be too complicated. Just earlier this week, I was telling a friend about what had happened in Spanish class, saying,

"She said to participate if you need stamps, but i didn't, so I sleeped!"

SHAMEFUL.

--Sometimes, common sense is just not registered in time. Unintelligent moment. Really.

"If we leave the candles in the car, will they melt?"

Well duh, Shelby. Way to go me. Wax melts due to heat. SHAMEFUL.

I can laugh at my own not-so-bright moments because I know that I am a bit more intellectual than that. I encourage everyone to laugh at themselves after saying or doing something stupid, because it wasn't purposeful, and, to be honest, it's funny!

being worthy? and lying.

A lot of the time I wonder what I deserve. There's always those strong souls who say things like "I deserve a good man","I don't deserve to be treated like this", "I deserve a good life". They know what they deserve, but I don't. I probably don't deserve great treatment or a good man.

I lie a lot, even about insignifigant stuff. I'm quick to judge on occasions. I don't go to church as much as my grandmother would like me to. I yell at my parents, I'm a huge procrastinator, I bet the music I download is illegally done so. I should get exactly what I deserve, which is what? Beats me. But I'm positive I get way more than I ought to have.

So why can't I be more grateful? I should change my faults, then feel worthy of what I have. But old habits die hard. And that's a big problem, I can get away with stuff because I'm a good liar. Which is so shameful. I can openly admit that! I need to change. Oh! There's another problem, change freaks me out! So I lull...I do nothing. Which isn't exactly helpful.

This is the point I can't get past. I've done the realization that I want to change. I'm come to realize I'm afraid of change. So now what? How do I make myself change? Is it even possible for me to stay committed to start telling the truth, or better yet, don't do something that will result in me wanting to lie about? Can I stop judging people, stop procrastinating, stop arguing with my mom and dad?

I want to. I really do. But then comes the fear, if I change myself, will I get what I deserve then? I get more than I deserve now, but what if when I truly deserve great things, I don't get them?

I've asked so many questions in this blog, and the sad thing is, I doubt they'll ever be answered.

...

gone baby gone.

My favorite time of year is gone again. And to your surprise, I'm not talking about summer. I am referring to that transition period between summer and fall. But every year, I see it coming, but then it's gone before I got to enjoy it. It always slips by because this time of year is so busy. School, sports, friends, homework, sleeping. Nowhere in that schedule does it say "take a little time and go outside."

Which brings me to the part where I tell you why this summer-fall shift is the most glorious thing. Just envision with me for a second, mmkay? You walk out the door, feel the crisp breeze that warns you to soon say good-bye to the sweltering days, you inhale a sharp cool breath that feels like it cleans you internally, and just look at your surroundings.

Outside, your eyes witness nature taking place. The trees. Oh, the trees. They are splendid. The colors I can only describe with "V" words--vivid and vibrant. The bright yellows and fiery reds and glowing oranges. It is outrageous! But, sadly, it does not last long. Soon, the colors of the leaves become deep and rich. The reds become hearty purples, the yellows are golden, and the orange leaves just vanish. They're still pretty, but its not the same.

I just wish I would have cleared out one of my Saturdays during this limited time and laid a blanket outside and given my attention to the time of year I find most beautiful. Those colors dancing before my eyes...oh. Maybe next year.

so where's the undo button?

Here's one thing I struggle with constantly. Once you do something, it cannot be undone. Life is not a Microsoft Word document. There is no backspacing over an error. You must live with the consequences.

Ohhhhh, the countless times I have said something and immediately regretted it. With no "undo" button, I suffered through the outcome of my words. Samesies for my actions. Even the things that happened on accident! I have no way to undo my mistakes. I can apologize, but the damage is already done.

So, I must be more careful about my words and actions, because there will never be an undo button. Mishaps occur, and I shall deal with their results.

shallow words.

Words have become meaningless. People throw around words that are supposed to mean so much, and they say them so often...they've just lost their meaning. "I'm sorry." Pfft. You did something wrong, and you don't want to have anyone upset with you anymore. So you apologize. Chances of sincerity? Unlikely. Then when someone is truly sorry, it's hard to believe. That's just not fair.

"I love you." Ha. This phrase has no meaning at all anymore! It's said in a manner that is joking, or friends are saying it to other friends. I'm guilty of telling my friends I love them. I don't know. I used to fight it, but it was a battle that could not be won. That leaves people who are in love at a loss for the perfect words.

Because the perfect words have been worn down, stripped of their meaning. Can we come up with new phrases to express our feelings? Instead of "I'm sorry" we could say..."I'm exceedingly remorseful." Instead of "I love you" we could say..."I'm crazy passionate about you." Do you think they'll catch on?? No. But I myself might start saying them. An army of one. Woop de woop.

Maybe we'll just have to resort to actions. This would probably be the best thing. You're sorry? Do things to show just how much you'd like to be forgiven. You love someone? Show them. Be creative on that one.

After all, don't they say actions speak louder than words?

school.

So, I've thought of a way to describe school quite well. It's an analogy, and for the most part it works.

The school year is like a pregnancy. It's the same exact length! 9 months... I mean, that is not the only similarity. Before the school year, you're having the time of your life. Same with a pregnancy. Yeah. At the beginning of the school year, it's all very exciting and new and you learn all of the rules of how things are going to work, similar to a pregnancy. Throughout the course of being pregnant, you learn a lot of things, about yourself included, just like in a year of school. You have good times and bad times in both. You wake up every morning and know that it's your obligation to do this, and you have to be responsible. You have to commit and work hard for both of them. There are times when you just want to be done! But you must persevere. And just like a pregnancy, school may come easier to others and for some it can be really difficult. But there you are, at the end of the school year/pregnancy, sad to see it go for some reason, but also excited to see what the future holds.

Of course, the difference is that at the end of it all, you usually don't end up with a ton of babies.

stereotypes

I hate stereotypes. I hate being stereotyped. But it's something that has happened so often that I'm used to it. Just today the stereotype that teenagers don't read was brought to my attention. Sure, a lot of teenagers don't belong to a book club or anything, or even check a book ou from the library, but I do! I'm usually always reading a book. But since there are a few teenagers that aren't as infatuated with reading as I, then the assumption that ALL teenagers don't read. Who is a person to say something like that? It's like noticing that an old man and his friends don't like pancakes...so all old men don't like pancakes. That's a bit foolish, but truly, all stereotypes are foolish. Of course, sometimes I fit perfectly into a stereotype, but even when I do, a ton of other people don't! Yet they are just classified away. Not cool.

There's been a few instances when stereotypes have ever gotten under my skin. The one I'm going to tell you about is one that happened just last year. I made a swell powerpoint for my history class, presented it, and awaited my score. Alas, the teacher handed me the paper that showed me how many points I recieved and why. I looked over the paper, and everything looked good until my eyes came across the words "plagierism" and I saw I was docked points. To believe that I would plagiarize! That's ridiculous. I was so angry and upset that I would be accused of something I have never done! I was close to saying something to her but I was just too angry and did not need to get in trouble for saying something I didn't mean to. So I kept my mouth shut, brought down the use of big words and complex sentences, and loathed the fact that I had been stereotyped as unintelligent enough to read something and put it in to my own words.

There's only one thing I want to say about this whole judge one, judge all thing...don't do it! Everybody's different, more than you'll even know.

first of many blog posts.

Well. Here I am. Ready to write about anything I want to. I have a lot of thoughts running through my mind at any given point, so here goes!

My father. He's a good guy. He's normal, otherwise than the amount of embarrassing he must be to be called a parent. But he has an obsession: buying vehicles. Right now, we have more than enough vehicles. Yet still he car shops. I don't even know where we come up with the money to pay for all of the vehicles we have! I wouldn't be surprised if my parents told me they had a secret bank account just for buying cars. In the last year, my dad purchased...3 cars. He bought a motorcycle a few years back. My sisters and I call it Midlife Crisis #1. It would be his only midlife crisis if he hadn't bought a spaceship-type car a while after that...Midlife Crisis #2. But he's so proud when he rides his vehicles, and he LOVES getting compliments. He bought my mom a bright yellow something this year, and even though my mom isn't crazy about yellow, she agreed because, hey, she got a new car! She likes receiving compliments too.

There's ups and downs to my fathers obsession. Some ups: -When I get my license, I can car shop in my own garage. -It makes my father happy, it's practically his only hobby! -If any one of the several cars we have gets totalled in an accident, we're all good. Downs: -It drives me and my mother crazy that my dad always wants to drive around car lots. -There's no way he can keep buying cars at the rate he's going. -We have enough cars already!

So I'm going to propose an idea to my dad--you may look at cars, but you must not buy! I think it'd be quite a good idea. I'll let him do what he loves to do. But he mustn't buy another car, we don't have any garage space!

Shelby Kay.

(P.S. - If you were curious, we have 6 vehicles. And that's not including the one's he lets my sisters use.)